HOME

As one of the few people in my hometown to actually leave and become a student elsewhere, I've since felt disassociated from where I grew up. It's not because here is awful (it kind of is awful, but that's not why) but being at home doesn't really feel like being home.


I feel like as soon as I packed my bags (and suitcases, boxes, any other storage facility I could find) back in September 2012, here ceased to be home. At uni I felt homesickness quite a lot and made the long journey home more times than was necessary but it never really quenched that feeling. I didn't miss home, but what my life was before I left. Even though I was way happier at uni, I think it's human nature to long for what you've lost. Of course, I wasn't returning to the home I had in my mind. The house and people I'd left had moved on and changed. Obviously they had! What did I expect, that everything was on pause while I was at uni and when I got back everything would be the same? That didn't happen. 

The problem with university that it's not the most stable of four years (or three if you're a normal student). By the time I graduate, I will have lived in four different houses with four different sets of people. It felt like as soon as I'd got used to living in halls, it was time to move out. Likewise with my second year house. I spent the first few months hating it and once it got to June I didn't want to leave. Despite my intense trepidation and nervousness about moving to Spain, I can pretty much guarantee when it comes to the time I have to leave, I will most genuinely seriously consider dropping out of university to stay there. Someone let me know when I blog about it in June that I was right. And then fourth year of UEA! Who even knows where I'll be living, but I know that leaving then will be hard.

Norwich has become my adopted home, my second city that holds a place in my heart. Newcastle, Northumberland and the general North-East area is so much a part of my identity but Norwich is getting there. Even though I still get lost. It's mainly the UEA campus itself which has a hold on my heart. It's this concrete jungle, lots of big buildings with the square in the middle (a great spot for a study break with pals and pimm's) but surrounded by lots of greenery. The views from our library can be incredible - it looks out either onto the lake or lots of trees and it can help you feel calm. However I never spent that much time in the library... I find it too difficult to be quiet. Maybe in fourth year I'll suddenly decide working in the library is the key to getting 90% for my degree. As I write this it is graduation week at UEA and knowing that that will be me soon (and some of my friends, a year sooner) is incredibly scary. The thought of leaving UEA makes me want to apply to do three consecutive master's programmes and a doctorate on top of that. 

Anyway, at the minute I am at 'home'. The house I lived in full time (ish) from 2000-2012. My bedroom is almost the same; the Robbie posters are still up, I have my old duvet cover on the bed, the decoration hasn't changed. But the room has. It feels a lot smaller, like I have no space. That's partially to do with the fact I had a lot of space in my Norwich bedroom this year, and because my mother has converted half of this room into her craft room so there is a giant desk covered in materials, and a giant wardrobe full of paper. Probably a forest's worth of paper. 

It just feels like I've outgrown this room, this house, this town. I'm a different person to how I left but everything looks the same. That's the most deceptive thing about it; the shell is the same but so much has changed. It's not really home anymore. So I feel like a drifter, without a real home. I imagine many students feel the same. 

Northumberland is my home. Norwich is my home. Soon, Spain will be my home. Lanzarote feels like my home. Where do I go when I've graduated and am free? Back to an old home to feel like this again, or choose somewhere new and make there my home? At the minute I am watching a lot of property and renovation programmes (I have a lot of spare time) and its making me obsessed with redecoration. The main daydream I have recently is having a house all to myself that I'm free to decorate. Maybe I'll write about my dream house next time.

This has been very very rambly. I didn't know I was due an existential essay post, haven't done one of those since my tumblr heyday of 2011! I hope this didn't bore you too much.

Until next time, hasta luego.

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