LIFE AS A PLUS SIZE GAL

Now, this probably is not the first blog post you've read on the subject of being plus size. I hope not anyway. Body positivity has become a widespread phenomenon and rightly so. For too long, women have been told to hate themselves for the way their body looks so taking back that power is bloody brilliant and I love how my timelines are full of beautiful confident women being unashamed what they look like. Your fave geordie chica is no skinny minnie. I never have been and so genuinely don't know what it's like to navigate the world in a body that isn't bigger than others'. I've wanted to write about this for a while but it's hard building up the courage to do so. Putting up a picture is one thing, letting people in on your soul is another. This is not a post I've bashed out in one evening, it's been sat in my drafts and been written over a larger period of time and mulled over since before I even started packing to move to Lanzarote. Be nice, I guess?


So, I am currently sitting pretty as a size 22 and feeling okay about it. Sitting pretty because yaaaaaas chica has self confidence but more on that later. At my biggest I was at a 24 so I haven't done a major amount of work but even when I was running regularly I was still a 22 so at least my body seems to be okay at this size? The aim is not to stay here but you know, diets are depressing so I need to work slowly but solidly to get to a better place. My diet is inherently healthier when I live in Lanzarote because 1) my Nana does the cooking, 2) Dairy Milk costs €3, 3) I have salads for most lunches, and then on top of that my lifestyle is healthier because 4) I walk and swim more because duh, 5) I sleep and meditate more, 6) I drink about 17 litres of water a day, 7) I'm outside more because the weather is better and 8) living with my grandparents means I stick to a regulated meal schedule. Fun, right? I'm hoping to start couch to 5k again out here but it's so bloody warm right now and I might die but I HAVE TO DO IT. She says for the eighth time. 

As I said, I have never been skinny. I don't think I even remember ever having been a 'normal' (what is normal?) size - I've always been bigger. Non-uniform days at school were rubbish and I always wore football tops despite hating football because they fit and felt nice. That shit is extra hard for a teenage girl. You start losing your mind, your body is changing and you feel even bigger than before. Your rite of passage trips to town on the weekend with the girls to go shopping is actually you trailing behind your pals looking at clothes you'll never fit in or could imagine looking good on you. It's taking a massive interest in the jewellery, shoes and accessories sections because those don't exclude you for your size. You always hope that today is the day we love Waterstones or Boots or anywhere but bloody Topshop. To be fair, that still happens because I have teeny friends and I still prefer books over clothes but at least now some shops do have plus ranges.

It's crazy to me actually that life in the plus size lane is still so different nowadays because like, the average dress size for a woman in the UK is a size 16, and plus size fashion tends to start at a size 18 so like... what? I can only really discuss the point of view of a plus size lady, maybe I should find some male plus size bloggers. Anyway. Do you know how hard it is to find decent clothes when you're plus size when the industry caters to straight sizes? It's hard. And if I'm honest, it's a lot easier now than it was say, five years ago. Which means ten, fifteen, twenty years ago it was probably impossible. What's maddening about exclusively plus size brands, ie Yours Clothing, Evans, etc., is the clothes seem to be made for older people who are really tall and want to wear tents. Like seriously, I am not 6ft and cannot scroll through another page of tunic tops without wanting to gouge my eyes out. 

Then there's the stores that are traditionally catered towards straight sizes but have a plus range. That's where we tend to score, especially with our classic gals ASOS and New Look. Forever 21+ is excellent and cheap too. Tell you what though, one of my favourite places to shop is actually Asda. Legit, their jeans are the best fit and yeah, sure, they don't tend to last longer than six months to a year but at £10 who really cares. More brands recently have introduced plus size ranges, such as River Island, Pretty Little Thing, Boohoo. I think brands are finally waking up to the fact that there are a canny few people who need to buy plus size clothing. I mean, surely, it'd be a great market to tap into? We're desperate for nicer, better clothes and sometimes all you need to do is make the same item with more material. C'mon, pals. Anyway, I'm no business woman but if Primark have finally decided to extend their range up to a size 24 (and then hopefully further!) then everywhere else will too.

However, that's not to say that extended sizes is necessarily the answer. Clothes need to be designed with the shape of a body in mind and like, yes, bigger women have curves that need to be drawn around. But we're not all 5"10 like the models on the websites and our boobs aren't always in proportion. Yes mine are bigger than my smaller pals but I wouldn't say they're in proportion to the rest of me. SPEAKING OF BOOBS. Plus size bras need to be a thing. We ain't all a 36 back, okay. Once you go past that 42 back size, everything becomes beige, black or white with no wires and no lace and no bloody fun. Just because I have back fat doesn't mean I don't want fun bras. If I had any ounce of creativity or business brain I would design lingerie for bigger lasses and they'd be lush. LACE EVERYWHERE.

Anyway, I didn't really want to spend this whole post talking about clothes. I'm not a big fashion nut, mainly because I've never understood it because I never saw myself. Now that I follow plus size bloggers and instagrammers I can see other outfits and styles that could work but I'm pretty set in my ways of jeans and tops. Can't help it, bro. I just wanted to talk about everything. Even once you've accepted your size, it's hard to live with the knowledge that your life is just different. And I know, I know, if it's that hard and that difficult, why don't I change, bla bla bla. Yeah I know. I will admit openly right here, right now, I have never truly put the effort in and so I have no reason to whinge or complain but I'm going to because this is my life and my blog and if you don't like it then sod off, cheers. 

A lot of the shit that comes with being plus size comes down to confidence, or a lack thereof, I think. It takes guts to go out in the world in bright colours that grab attention, or to show off your flabby bits instead of covering up, or even to like yourself and your personality without feeling a fraud because your body isn't what we're told it should be. It stops you doing all sorts, from not eating in public to doing activities you used to enjoy purely out of shame. It's ridiculous. I used to swim at least once a week, then started to feel embarrassed about having to be in swimwear, so stopped. HOW STUPID?! I stopped doing a form of exercise, which would make my body better, because I was embarrassed of my body. When I first started the couch to 5k programme I cannot tell you the amount of "concerned" (bullshit) stares I would get. Like yes, this fat chick is running for only 60 seconds at a time and you staring hasn't put her off and forced her to go home, who'd have thunk it? With food, it can often feel like you can't do right for doing wrong. Order a pizza, you're just another big lass who won't order healthy food. Order a salad, you look pathetic for eating a salad, as if that one meal is going to make you skinny. Fat jokes are used in the media, yes, fewer nowadays than in the past, but still. There's the old idea that bigger lasses develop more of a personality because how else are they gonna find people. But as we all know, boys don't like girls for funniness. 

I think it's true though. You meet a girl; if she's skinny and fun she'll be called fun. You meet a girl; if she's fat and fun, she's bubbly. 'Bubbly' is that old word we rely on, the code word on dating sites that means "pls don't look at my photos just get to know me, I'm fun I promise". We learn to develop a sense of humour, a thick skin, the face to hide the pain of rejection, the 'oh I wasn't interested anyway' shrug. It's a horrid circle, you think nobody will ever love you so you hide and don't let yourself get close to someone and pull away and so they never get the chance to know you and so move on to the next. Or you let your guard down and get hurt. You're scared nobody will ever want you so you don't put yourself out there which means you let yourself be lonely and single until oops you're a 23 year old virgin and shit mate literally nobody has ever or will ever want me and I will die alone. But then if you're like me, one day you'll decide to stop being a dickhead to yourself and trust your own brilliance and before you know it you're on dates galore then fall for someone and have almost been a girlfriend six months. Madness. 

I'm not really sure when this all happened, when I stopped hating myself and everything about the way I looked. Changing what I saw on social media helped. I deleted and unfollowed everything that made me feel bad and made my feeds more diverse, more like real life. Following plus size, normal size, healthy, happy, women, of all sizes and colours and nationalities and backgrounds, it changed the way my mind worked. I had to make a conscious effort to like myself and kids, let me tell you, I ain't there yet. I've always thought my personality was pretty brill but I have my bad days and then see everything annoying about me. And then the depression hits and I hate myself. But the hate for my body ran at a pretty steady flow.  So I started dressing in clothes that fit me and not what I thought I should be wearing. I threw out clothes that were too small. Fuck that whole "I'll slim down and fit into it one day". It's bollocks and it's a reminder every time you see it that you don't think how you are right now is worthy or good enough and I do not need that in my life. I take selfies all the damn time and post them to my insta because yes I'm as vain as the next instagrammer and want the validation and the 'yaaaassss kweeeeeen' comments but also I want to show other people who struggle with self-worth that it's okay to have those days where you don't think you look particularly horrendous or Shrek-like. It's okay to show yourself off. I almost didn't upload the photos my brother took of my MA dissertation hand in because I was wearing my potato sack jumper and looked massive. THAT'S STUPID! 

Instagram is my own personal photo album and to not see myself there would be a bit daft. I'm not just a big part of my life. I am my life. Doesn't matter that I'm a size 22 and "should" be a size 12. Maybe one day. Maybe not. I like me. And I'm not the only one who does. I have friends who've loved me size I was about 3 foot tall and didn't even know what scales or sizes were. I have family who are obligated to love me. I have a boyfriend who is crazy and likes boobs and wants alllllll dis luvin. Soz. 

Now, putting up this bikini shot was pretty terrifying. I've not chosen all of my 100% fave photos of myself for this post, I wanted to show what I actually look like. With the thick thighs and the thick arms and the thick middle and the thick everything. Chica is thicccccc. But she ain't thick. She knows she's not healthy and needs to sort shit out. And stop talking in the third person. I don't want to look like this forever but equally I'm not willing to hate myself because I'm round. I'm beach ball shaped but that won't stop me sunbathing on the beach. I've got chubby cheeks and 73 chins and an arse that doesn't fit comfortably in every chair and sausage fingers and stretch marks and I do not care anymore. I spent too long hating everything. I was a little (lol, I mean big) ball of hatred and anger and it was daft because I'm great and people love me. This is not me advocating being bigger. But not hating my very existence has become a pretty central goal of mine and if people don't like plus size people being nearer happy than unhappy, well, you're just a bad person.

This has all been very personal to write and to find not great looking photos but you know what, I feel pretty free right now. I like me and I'm okay being round like Winnie the Pooh and will not spend a single more day thinking I don't deserve to go outside because the sight of my thunder thighs might offend someone. Chicas, chicos, whatever you look like, you deserve to like yourself. Don't be scared of it.

Hasta pronto mes petits filous

KB