I accidentally came off my medication this week. I had maybe 10 days where I didn't take any tablets and I felt totally fine. Maybe this time I'd finally cracked it, I'd become one of those people with a happy life who didn't require medication to feel normal. And then two days ago the sads set in and the fog settled in and I remembered why I need them. Yet, I continued off them, thinking I could power through and be fine and never have to take them ever again. As you can probably tell by the tone of these few sentences, that's not the case. And that's why I took my first 20mg citalopram tablet in 10 days about 10 minutes ago.
I've always championed the fact that being on antidepressants is nothing to be ashamed of, that they're just another kind of medication like the glasses I wear to be able to see or the mirena coil I have inside me to regulate my polycystic ovaries or the tablets people take all over the world for all kinds of conditions. I never felt any sort of shame in being a person who needs antidepressants. They balance out my brain chemicals and let me not be sad. However, we all have that little voice in the back of our heads saying, "Come on you nutcase. Stop being a wacko who needs crazy pills. Get your life together". That voice is so unfair. It's society's voice, not mine. How many years have we been subjected to jokes made at the expense of those who are different to the "norm" or the ideal. Honestly, I think it's toxic that we're made to feel like being neurotypical is the ideal despite the fact 1 in 4 people suffer from a mental health condition. ONE IN FOUR. Imagine your typical nuclear family - a mother, a father, 2.4 children. Imagine every house in the world was like that. That would mean one person in every household is suffering. That is so normal, so why are we made to feel like we're weird or crazy or abnormal or wrong.
Then the impostor syndrome comes in. How can I call myself mentally ill when there are people out there "genuinely" struggling, who need institutional care or have therapy every day or have to be sectioned or have conditions so much worse. I just get sad a bit. How can I claim the NHS' incredibly limited time and resources when there are people out there who need it much more than I do? I feel like I'm a fake mentally ill person.
On top of that, how can I even claim to be sad when I have such a brilliant life. I have a wonderful family and excellent friends and have found genuine happiness with the man I love and I live in Lanzarote, where 15 year old me dreamt of living every day of her life. I work 16 hours a week with the most adorable children just speaking my mother tongue. I have money and concert tickets and holidays booked and am flying home in mere days for a ridiculously lavish Christmas. I'm happy. Genuinely, I am. When I take my medication. When I don't, all of the above remains true. And I still feel so genuinely lucky and privileged to call that my life. But I still feel sad. I don't have situational depression - my brain just isn't wired right and I feel sad and everything is hard.
Logically, I know all of this. I know the science of my mental health and why taking the medication is totally fine and for over three years I've taken various dosages and types of antidepressants and done therapy and talked and talked and written and meditated and read and talked and been unashamed. And then about five days ago I realised I'd not taken my meds and felt so proud that I'd managed to "beat" it. I HATE that that's the thought that entered my mind. I feel stupid for giving in to the neurotypical mindset and stupid for believing my brain has changed and stupid for wanting it to have changed. Coming off my meds should never be a goal. I know for some people it is, but for me it just isn't. My depression doesn't come from difficult situations or from trauma or from people. My depression is my brain and my chemical imbalance and I am going to stay on my medication.
I'm not sure of the point of this post. Maybe I just needed to say it all. Maybe I want to make people feel better for taking their medication.
Either way, thank you for reading.
I'm trying my best.
KB
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