So basically. This is hard to write without it making people think I really hate it here and can't wait to go home. No, I'm not having the time of my life. Yes, I'm finding it difficult.
I read someone else's blog post about the supposed curve of the year abroad, which looks like this.
I think the main problem is the hype. The hype before the year abroad was always 'OMG IT'S GONNA BE THE BEST YEAR EVER!!!' and if you arrive and don't feel like that then you just feel a bit like a failure. Plus then you get tweets and texts and stuff from home of people telling your of their jealousy and you just want to scream 'FEEL FREE TO SWAP PLACES WITH ME' in their faces. Yes I can see the beach from my apartment and yes this is ideal holiday weather but this isn't a holiday! Speaking of, I really didn't prepare myself at all for this. I didn't hype myself up lol. I was expecting a little holiday year, where I could take a few classes in Spanish and spend the rest of the time on the beach or travelling Spain. Nope. Plus then you see all sorts of other people enjoying their year, whether they're your friends from uni or just other people being retweeted by the thirdyearabroad.com Twitter account. It's kind of inevitable to compare yourself to them. I also didn't prepare myself for not enjoying myself! I've always wanted to live abroad; whenever anyone asked me why I study Spanish I would just say "so I can leave England". I thought I'd love it here so much and would have finally found my spiritual home. Nope. I'm definitely not ruling out ever living in Spain again but there is ZERO CHANCE that I will ever study here again.
It probably doesn't help that the friends I've made are all British and my two closest pals are probably as homesick as I am. At one point our facebook group chat was named 'WE HATE SPAIN', so no, we probably weren't being as positive as we should be. We're slowly but surely getting better. As more and more paperwork is ticked off the list I feel more relaxed about life.
I caved into my homesickness and fell into the rabbit hole that is Skyscanner and ended up booking some plane tickets home to the north, so this time in two weeks I will hopefully be eating a sunday dinner and drinking all of the gravy. I'd been dithering about booking these tickets or not and when I finally did it felt like a weight had been lifted. I probably shouldn't be going but I don't care, it'll hopefully give me the kick up the arse I need to stop being silly and start appreciating it here.
I think the main thing is feeling like I'm missing out back at home. By home I now mean Norwich. My four pals all live with each other without me and the guilt is killing me/driving me to bad bad things like unfollowing them on Twitter and deleting their phone numbers out of my own anger. Not my finest hour, I'll admit. Last night it just kind of sank in that when I come back things won't pick up from where we left off. Everything has changed and will change even more and wishing I were there isn't going to make it so. It still doesn't stop me wishing I were studying English Literature so I could be with them. I literally just a second ago booked flights to London in January so I can spend a few days with them. Suddenly realising that Robbie Williams isn't the reason I'm poor.
So to summarise as this hasn't really been coherent:
- no, I don't love it here
- no, I don't hate it here
- just because I know how many days it is until I can go back to England, it doesn't mean I need someone to help me to drop out
- it will probably get better
I need to keep reminding myself I've not even been here 4 weeks. It's meant to be difficult. What would help me is visitors. Lots and lots of visitors. Hint hint COME AND STAY WITH ME.
Other things that help:
- Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookies
- Shonda Rhimes TV shows
- LCS whatsapp group chat
- Salt and Vinegar Lays crisps
- Sunday afternoons on the beach
Until next time, hasta luego.
I know how you're feeling completely - I'm a bit overwhelmed by all the ISA trips and the ESN parties and how everyone else seems to be doing everything at once... when all I want is a quiet day with a trip to Mercadona! And life goes on in Liverpool, too. I guess the main things is to do things at your own pace. And it's okay to go and visit home. I want to but my family are coming in a few weeks so there's no point when they'll be coming here. Just letting you know you're not the only one who's found/finding it difficult x
ReplyDeleteI literally have zero idea how people have the energy, once I'm home from uni at half 7 I just want to crawl into bed! Nice to know I'm not the only one pal. We should do something fun this week x
DeleteI wish I could do more... I'm sorry. :( I can't promise it'll get better, but, eventually, it does. I don't know how, but it does. Lots of love from the room near yours. <3
ReplyDeleteDon't worry pal! It all came out more negative than I actually am! Maybe it's because I just finished my new TV series and there's a void. Love from the living room x
DeleteTHIS! I've only been in Japan for four days and it's already dawning on me that it's not really the magnificent place I imagined it to be. Or at least the scenario I played out in my head hasn't happened. :p
ReplyDeleteIt seems like even within the year abroad students, there's this general feeling of having to say 'yeah everything's fine and good!' even though we each have our own difficulties we probably would rather not talk about. And then thereare the expecations (and hype as you said) from family and friends back home to have fun and the best time of your life sort of like on their behalf.
Basically, this is reassuring to read because it's nice to see we're not alone. :p And really it can't get any worse (I hope), we can only improve our languages and experience whatever's thrown at us.
*cheering you on from chilly Sapporo!*
Since posting this I've had so many people tell me they feel the same haha it's so reassuring! I can't believe you're finally in Japan, it felt like you'd never get there! Hope your first month is better than mine hahaha. Cheering you on from sunny Spain! x
DeleteHaha yeah, I made it finaly! I'll write about my first month when the time comes, so let's see how it compares to yours. :p I'm sure by then I'll have snow pictures. ;__;
DeletePerhaps I can give a perspective of someone who has finished their year abroad- in spain might I add. It was two years ago last week that I set off. And honestly my year abroad, as a whole was fantastic- but many many parts of it, especially at the beginning, were really hard.
ReplyDeleteThe honeymoon period for me lasted a couple of days, maybe a week or two, but this wasn't an endless feeling of joy and perfection, rather a sense of wonder and intrigue at what was coming. Then the hard part starts. I'd say it was October- early January that was really hard. The day I got back from my xmas holidays I met up with a friend and we had a good old bitch about how hard it all was- then suddenly things started to look up and my following 7 months there got better and better :)
In terms of advice I can give you, it's only the stuff I learnt by trial and error and by no means will 'work' for everyone. I had a hell of a lot of housing trouble when I was there too which coloured the experience for a good while- not everyone will have that. But I hope these nuggets of experience might help.
1. Do NOT EVER be hard on yourself for having english speaking friends/hanging out with them often/ watching english tv shows/reading books in english. I was down on myself for far too long about this. It's utterly exhausting for the first few months and you NEED regular language breaks. Also, once I stopped worrying about having to speak spanish all the time I noticed that I actually did more often. My british/american friends became a great source for meeting new spanish people, as everyone ends up with at least ONE spanish friend/companion.
2. Go outside more often. And don't bring a phone that has internet. I remember what it was like seeing everyone's facebook from back home and I had to make a concious effort to stop looking. And when I came home to meet up with language friends who's facebook has painted the picture of the 'perfect, absolutely fantastic year abroad' I very quickly realised how much we'd all edited our experiences and really everyone had had difficulties at some point. Fresh air and long walks can cure so much. Bring a notepad and take advantage of cheap red wine while you're out!
3. Work/Study. I can't tell whether you work/ study though I've noticed that generally people who work have a harder time at first which gradually gets an awful lot easier. In terms of studying I know from friends who took that route that they were never overly keen on their course, but many decided to teach english private classes to kids/adults and really enjoyed it. It gives your day a sense of purpose.
4.Have a sense of humour. That's not meant to be patronising- i had to remind myself of that on a daily basis (and still do in my life now!). When my water went off because our lazy landlord forgot to pay the bill. When the teachers left me with rooms full of screaming kids. When it took the government 3 MONTHS to pay me. You have to laugh. What I noticed was that the people who loved and the people who hated their years abroad actually had very similar experiences. It was their attitudes that made it.
5. Be nice to yourself. Just because 'it's spain' doesn't mean you can't have a early night. Eat the food you love, watch the shows you love. Do the sport/hobby you love. Visit the cities you want to visit- keep an open mind but don't feel forced to go to things if you really really don't want to. I felt like I was trying to be someone I wasn't at first at that was what made it so much harder. But the spaniards you meet will be much more interested in talking to you if you haven't lost all your home quirks :)
6. (the big one) Lower your expectations about how much you have to improve your spanish. I felt guilty every moment I wasn't studying, reading, speaking or listening to spanish. Until about January time when i decided 'fuck that' and changed my attitude. I decided that it was much more important for me to come home with good memories, a love of spain and good friends, regardless of nationality, than it was to have perfect grammar. And by making myself relax I became much more outspoken to the spanish around me and improved a hell of a lot faster. Is my spanish perfect? Absolutely not. But before my year abroad I was just about scraping a 2:1. I graduated with a high 2:1 and a certificate for Distinction in Spoken Spanish. I'm still good friends with some of those spanish friends now, in fact I took a holiday over there this easter to visit them.
ReplyDeleteYour year abroad will not be the diamond studded whirlwind that the british council paints it to be. It will however teach you just how strong you can be- and you need both the good times and the bad times for that :). Lot's of luck! Check out my blog from that year if it helps! http://agirlinaguadulce.blogspot.co.uk/
Sorry- I know it looks like I'm stalking your page now but I was curious to find out whereabouts in Spain you're living. MY BEST BEST spanish friend (who was my one constant flatmate throughout the days of crazy housemates and bastard landlords) was from alicante :) it's a nice place. Definitely make sure you make it up to Valencia for Fallas- it's one of my favourite spain memories.
ReplyDeleteHiya Sarah. Thanks so much for such a long reply! It helps knowing that there are people out there who understand haha. Your tips are really helpful. I actually had someone message me on Twitter after reading my blog (who was quite patronising) telling me about what they're doing on their year abroad and how they refuse to speak English with people and it made me feel awful so now I won't! I'll definitely keep in mind everything else you said and will check out your blog now!
DeleteI'm studying at the university of Alicante and will hopefully be documenting it a bit more so feel free to stick around! x
I guess I just had to word vomit all my thoughts because your post resonated a lot with me. I felt exactly the same for a while but there was no one to tell me that things didn't have to be perfect. You'll be just fine :)
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