23 YEAR OLD VIRGIN

Yep. You read that title right. I am legitimately talking about this on my blog, a public forum, discussing something that really isn't anyone's business. But this is the post I was looking for for years so I'm going to write it for the people like me.
Whenever virginity is discussed, and I mean, the retention of virginity past a "certain age" (who decided what that should be anyway) - basically from 16-18 I guess - it's spoken about like a choice. "They're waiting" ... "She's waiting for the right person" ... "He's waiting for marriage".
What about those of us for whom waiting wasn't a choice. We had to wait, not for the right person, but for any person. 

This all sounds super depressing but I promise it didn't bother me that much, but some people do genuinely worry about this. I of course had the fleeting thoughts about it, or with every birthday that passed like, "shit, I'm going to uni and I've never had sex", "I'm 19 and still haven't", "21-year-old virgin, what a loser" - you get the idea. From previous blog posts, we know that I have dabbled in tinder for a long time. I think I've had accounts on most of the big "dating" sites - OKCupid, Bumble, Tinder, basically the ones you didn't have to pay for. I was never really brave enough to meet anyone from it, though. I had plenty of offers of sex from there but never took them because they were from 40 year old men, but I guess I can't say I was waiting for "any person at all" because I did have offers, they were just from creeps.

It's hard though, being a teenager and growing into a young adult in this highly sexualised world when you've not experienced anything of the sort. Like, my first proper kiss was in a club at 21. Chica legit had zero experience. It's one of the first things people talk about at uni, with endless games of Never Have I Ever discussing sexual exploits people have done that you can scarcely believe are real, never mind have been done by people you now live with. I had some very sober games of Never Have I Ever. I remember my first night at uni and the guy next door had us all sat in a circle saying where we were on the Kinsey Scale - I didn't feel like I even qualified at this point! Yes I'd fancied lads at school and yes I also thought girls were hot but hadn't done anything with either sex so just said "oh yeah, I'm straight" as the generic answer so he wouldn't press and ask for details about all the things I'd done as a super exciting bisexual. Plus, I didn't know myself back then that I was bi, but I knew I wasn't straight. Anyway. 

As my first year at uni went on I realised and learnt that a lot of people I knew had come to uni never having had sex but it appears to be something you don't divulge until it's history. I never said that I was a virgin but I also never said I'd had sex so I wasn't lying about anything. And this was pretty much how my life continued for the next four/five (however many it was) years. 

There were many times when I googled "22 year old virgin" (or different ages) to check it wasn't just me. The logical and realistic part of me knew that I wouldn't grow old without banging. I fancy people too much for that. But sometimes it did feel like I would be 80 and alone and without that life experience that many deem crucial. I mean, it kind of is, for the continuation of the species. But fortunately, that responsibility wasn't on my shoulders. All these google searches garnered me, though, were articles about people "waiting for the right person", "waiting til they were ready", "waiting for religious reasons". There was nothing about someone just ... waiting. I was waiting. I was ready. At least I thought I was. 

Obviously I wasn't ready because I was never confident enough to meet the lads I spoke to on the internet. I kissed guys in bars who then said they wanted to take me home but I said no. Opportunities arose (lol, arose like a penis. Just me? Okay.) and I didn't take them, probably out of shame of being heralded a slapper or something stupid like that. 

So here I was. Does anyone remember that post I wrote about the army guy (who we named Harry Styles) who led me on and never followed through? I wanted to bang him and was very much willing to do so. This was on the cusp of my 23rd birthday. Maybe a part of me just didn't want to have V plates entering a new age (WHICH IS TOTALLY STUPID).

After this, things change. I will withhold names but will discuss events because these lads didn't make me sign a non-disclosure meaning I have all the creative license I want to use these stories on the internet for my personal gain (ie, free therapy). A guy I'd been chatting to for around a year but had stopped talking to because of distance, we'll call him 'B', got in touch after Harry's blog post. We'd talked mainly when I lived in Lanzarote but I was now home and he wanted to go on a date with me. At this point, I was totally sick of not having luck in real life with boys so decided to make the internet real, so I agreed. But for some reason we didn't arrange for a while and I was still on Tinder. Where I got chatting to a guy, who we'll call 'A'. A's opening gambit on tinder was asking me about the best date I'd ever been on - of course, I'd had zero dating experience. I told him this and he offered to take me out, which I accepted. Chica had gained a bit of confidence, we're beginning to note. We had Whatsapp and Snapchat bants for about two weeks before this date actually happened.

As it turns out, A's idea of a date was picking me up from Newcastle Haymarket, walking to Tesco to buy himself some milk, taking me back to his student halls and sticking a film on. Now, dear reader, I will not be explicit because the majority of my readers are my family members (hitting the big time here, guys) but yeah, I had sex with this kid. What I will say about waiting until you're a bit older and have "gotten to know yourself" means you can kind of tell what you enjoy and so, my first time was not bad. In fact, it was quite good. I enjoyed myself a lot. Then I went home and B asked me if I was free the next weekend to see him in Halifax. Lol.

Honestly, they're like buses. You wait years for someone to want to bang you and then two cum along (oops, I meant come) at once. Due to the fact there was zero exclusivity with either of these boys, they both knew about each other. Ee guys I can't even tell you how grown up and *sophisticated* I felt, living my new cosmopolitan life where I bang a guy and tell the next guy I want to date about him. What a dickhead.

So I goes down to B and we have a lovely date. This was a real date. Hot chocolates at the Piece Hall and a tapas meal for lunch and wandering around the markets. And then we went back to his and we had sex and it was not great but I was more emotionally invested so overlooked that.  B in the next few weeks had plans to come up to Durham to see me but then decided that dating was "too distracting" which confused me a whole lot because he kept talking to me everyday which included a lot of flirting but didn't want me so it took me a while but I knocked it on the head and blocked him. At which point I was feeling miserable and unwanted and kind of began some sort of weird friends with benefits type thing with A which ultimately was not good for me because A was actually a complete tosser and I was already slipping into a depression which we saw at the beginning of 2018 which sent me into therapy. Weird, that.

No, I didn't wait for the magical, one "RIGHT" person. I had sex for the first time when I felt empowered to do so and just because it was with a guy that wasn't my boyfriend, doesn't make me a slapper. Or a slut. Or a slag. Or a bad person. Or disgusting. I did what was right for me and I don't regret anything at all.

So, I started 2017 thinking this would be yet another year that I'd go through without any kind of romantic/sexual attention and ended 2017 having had sex with two guys. I can't lie, losing my virginity did make me feel different. I'd read many accounts saying that it's not a big deal and you don't change massively and that was true, but I could feel a change. I was more confident, I knew how to ask for what I wanted, I didn't want to wait around anymore. It didn't make me any more of a woman. It isn't what made me an adult. I was glad I'd waited. Or rather, that I'd had to wait.

Being on your own, romantically speaking, in the formative period that is the years between 16-25ish means you have to develop your own sense of self. You're not part of a couple, you don't see yourself through someone else's eyes. You learn what you like, what you don't like, what you enjoy doing, who you want to get to know, what fills you with dread and what fills you with joy. You're your own person. I really value that about this beginning part of my life. I had the fun I wanted and hung out with who I wanted and did what I needed. I've been able to live abroad twice without the worry of leaving somebody behind. Of course, I have now left somebody behind and, although it's temporary, it's really bloody hard and every day I think about packing it all in so I can go and see him. Which perfectly exemplifies everything I've just said. I wouldn't change being with Simon for anything in the world but loving him makes living here a lot more difficult.

I guess I wanted to write this for the people out there like me who google "23 year old virgin" and don't want to see another Yahoo! Answers about Christians waiting for marriage or innocent people waiting for their Prince/Princess/Non-Binary Person of Nobility Charming to sweep them off their feet. For those in the world (who I suspect are far more common than we think) who are in their early twenties (or older!) who are yet to have sex and are worried about it. It doesn't make you any less of a person just because your genitals haven't touched anyone else's genitals. It will happen if you want it to. 

Not a year after I lost my virginity I fell in love with a wonderful man and I wouldn't be the person he fell for if my life hadn't happened the way it had. And so I'm grateful. I also feel a bit weird and a little scared to click publish on this post which I think is why I have to do it. Please do give me some feedback or I will crawl into a hole knowing all my relatives will know I've had sex.

Let's just say the word sex again, eh? Sex.
Sex sex sex.

See you on the other side, chicos.
KB x

PS

Sex