Reading that in his blog three years ago struck such a chord with me and it's stayed with me since. I think I've always struggled with stopping myself from living in the dark but going to uni helped me loads. Especially first term of first year, I was so so happy. Then it all went a bit downhill again. But I was always happier at uni than I had been at home, particularly at sixth form. Second year was a lot better; I lived with my best pals and had a network of the best course mates anyone could wish for.
Being here on my year abroad is making me have to consciously choose to 'live in the light' again. It's hard when it doesn't come automatically. I apologise that I only ever blog when I'm focused on the downsides, I swear it isn't that bad. Maybe it's because I'm writing this on a Sunday. Because Spain shuts down on Sundays and it's now too cold to go to the beach (by Spanish standards not British) I tend to spend the whole day in the house either doing work or rewatching Grey's Anatomy or whatsapping everyone in my phone book. Instagram is always full of pals back home doing things or family having a Sunday dinner. I know I shouldn't compare myself to them because what I get to do now is a ridiculously amazing opportunity. But Sunday is the day I have a lot of time for my own thoughts and it's when I realise I am struggling.
Looking at it objectively, Spain is great. My apartment is lovely, cheap and overlooks the sea. The weather is glorious during the day and exciting/terrifying at nighttime. I've met such wonderful people and where some of them are concerned I can't really remember a time in my life where I didn't know them, even though it's only been a month.
The university bit is the hard bit and even then our marks don't even count! It's difficult but it doesn't mean anything. One of my classes gives me major anxiety to the point I actually feel sick before the lecture and seminar. It's not ideal because I have at least one hour for that class on Tuesdays, Wednesdays AND Thursdays. This makes me hate the middle of the week, which isn't exactly ideal. My other classes are totally fine - Spanish grammar for erasmus students, cracking. English to Spanish translation, all I ever did back at UEA, cracking. Spanish to English translation, where we are actually asked for the correct answer by the teacher, cracking. English literature and cinema, my fave, cracking. It's just those four awful hours of Rules and Uses that make me want to die.
I don't even know why I'm writing this, especially since my last post was me whinging too. I just feel the need to acknowledge the major struggs occurring at this point in time. Maybe it's Sunday blues and I should just let myself feel this way every Sunday. Yeah. Live in the light Monday-Saturday and have Sunday off to let myself just be sad. I don't think it's fair on yourself not to acknowledge the way you feel. Yes I'm struggling and yes it's okay. Being homesick proves how wonderful home is! That's the thing with how difficult this is - you realise which people you left behind at home that you actually want to return to. I miss my ridiculous family. This morning I woke up to 40 texts from Howie about catching a submarine to Ireland. I miss my ridiculous friends. How I'm going to wait to see them until January I don't know but it'll be okay. Maybe they just should have me on constant FaceTime like Josie on Fresh Meat. I miss LCS. Lots of people don't know anyone on their course and yet mine is like a family. It's really sad knowing we won't be all together until September at the earliest but I know that reunion will be potentially the best night we ever have.
This post is not coherent at all. That's what happens when you start writing at 00:30 on a Sunday night/Monday morning. I bet when I wake up in the morning I'll see the sunshine and remember I only have class 3-5 and be happy and won't post this. I'm so fickle. ALSO I'M GOING HOME THIS WEEKEND. I really hope that helps me out. It'll hopefully quench the homesickness I'm feeling now, make me realise that what I'd be doing at home would be more boring than here, and that I'll miss here. I'm so excited though. Once I sit on that plane (mostly) everyone will be speaking English, the majority of them probably with a Geordie twang, and they'll be friendly and nice and polite and say please and thank you multiple times. I'm going to land into my glorious Newcastle at 19:30 and it will be cold and I get to walk through the airport I've walked through so many times knowing my family are on the other end and I get to have my fave Chinese food which I am craving so badly because the Chinese I've had here is not good. I can't wait for a breakfast at Wetherspoons and a Sunday dinner and seeing the One Direction concert film. Obviously I can't wait to see my entire family. My Auntie's coming up and hopefully I get to see my favourite babies and I also get to see one set of grandparents. The other set are in Lanzarote. I'm still jealous of them even though I have nice weather too.
Writing this has helped me out a lot I think. It's silly that writing about sad things makes me feel better. I hate bottling stuff up. It does help that whilst writing it I've been texting a most cherished friend from home and listening to One Direction, instant mood-lifters.
I wrote this tweet last night and @thirdyearabroad retweeted it and it got quite a bit of attention.
I wrote this tweet last night and @thirdyearabroad retweeted it and it got quite a bit of attention.
It makes me feel so much better knowing I'm not the only one. I also want to prepare people who might be in the planning stages of their year abroad. I never really saw the negative side of it until I got here and obviously I'm not saying this is the worst I've ever felt because there have definitely been worse times but it would just have been nice to have known before I got here that I wouldn't be loving life every second of the day.
If you've made it to the end, I'd like to round it off with a recap. I'm struggling here but I need to let myself embrace those feelings. I'm not struggling enough to want to go home... There's nothing for me to do there but sit around like a loser. If I drop out here I can't go back to UEA next September and nothing is going to stop me going back. Moving here was (and is) more difficult than moving from the North to the South but once again, I will be fine. It'll get better, and if it doesn't then there are only 9 months left and I have some lovely people helping me out whilst I'm here and some lovely people to greet me when I get home. This probably is the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I'm still here. "I refuse to give up, I refuse to give in". 10 points if you can tell me the reference. I won't let some terrible administration ruin me. When I get back next week and they eventually give me my erasmus grant I'm going to buy my new pals and myself the biggest and best cocktails I can find. Failing that, a large bottle of vodka at duty free. Just because Spain is bearing the brunt of most of my anger/negativity I genuinely am okay. I just didn't prepare myself well enough. After I posted my blog last week I had people thinking I was genuinely like wanting to commit or something. I'm just quite melodramatic in writing it seems! I promise I'm fine. Spain is okay. I'm close enough to have a weekend in Newcastle so I'm totally fine; imagine if I were in Latin America and struggling? Then you'd have a reason to worry. "I think I better leave right now" before I ramble on any longer. I'll edit this in the morning maybe. I really apologise if you read all this.
I'm choosing to live in the light even though it's hard. I'm fine here, as long as I keep treading water and don't let myself sink. Really need to go if I'm using cheesy metaphors.
Until next time, which I swear will be less whingey.
Hasta luego
Hi Katy, sorry to hear you're not having the best time. I am also on my year abroad in Italy. I went home this weekend and whilst it was the absolute BEST to see all my family and the cats, by Sunday evening with the prospect of going back, I had a bit of a meltdown. I'm just saying that you should make the ABSOLUTE MOST of the time you have at home because of course it will whizz by. I have had to remind myself that this is a temporary phase, that it is an incredible opportunity and that I really should live in it and try and enjoy it whilst I'm here because undoubtedly it will pass very quickly and all that lovely time with family and friends will be there for years and years to come. Its nice to hear you have made friends in Spain to keep you going, I think distractions are the key! Best of luck for the rest of it and enjoy this wonderful opportunity! Emily xx
ReplyDeleteHi Emily, thanks for your comment! I've been a lot happier since posting this so that's good. I'm hoping the awful weather at home will make me miss here so much haha. Good luck for the rest of your year!
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