ADIOS ESPAÑA (AND WHY IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO WRITE THIS)

Okay so I am the worst year abroad blogger because the best posts are always the end of posts and I didn't write mine (for reasons we'll come to later) despite leaving Alicante over a month ago so here we go.


So last time I blogged was the week I spent in Norwich before the last fortnight of my year abroad. That last fortnight contained exams and my pal Paige visiting and lots of sunbathing and lovely weather and goodbyes. The exams were a mixed bag: I failed my English literature module (lol), scraped passes in General Linguistics and Spanish translation, and did well in my psychology/linguisticsy type module and intro to Spanish (basically loads of grammar) so happy days.

I spent that last fortnight mainly in disbelief that it was ending and I'd actually managed to do the entire thing. I can't lie at all, this year has been the most difficult and at times awful but also at times amazing year I've ever had. From language struggles to the insanity that is building a timetable in the terrible Spanish university system, from homesickness to a temperature drop of 30 degrees, my year was not how everyone made it out to be, ie BEST YEAR OF YOUR ENTIRE LIFE EVER AND IF YOU HAVE A SHITTY DAY YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. Lol no. Finding out other people had down days was one of the best (and also sad) feelings of support so a massive thank you goes out to anyone in Alicante/in LCS/on the year abroad twitter who reached out to me. It was nice to know we were all in the same boat! But anyway despite all of that, I'm very glad I did it. I mean, the year was compulsory so I had no choice but I think had I had a choice and knowing what I do now, I still would do it again.

For one thing, my Spanish improved loads and I think this was the only way for it to get any better. I'm not fluent and to be honest can't see that happening unless the world decides to give up speaking English everywhere or I move to some remote pueblito somewhere nice and warm. But I am better and more confident and my listening is insane now. Hopefully it's enough to see me through the final year of my degree. 

Getting to experience a different university system was interesting but also made me appreciate how things are run back home. I can't wait to go back to significantly less paperwork and significantly less contact hours a week and significantly more pals in lectures because let me tell ya, I miss my course friends heaps. Also I am looking forward to not being the weirdo erasmus sat at the back of the room not understanding anything. It's difficult not to feel like an alien.

I do miss Alicante and my beach and the weather and wandering around listening to snippets of conversation and just soaking up the atmosphere of being somewhere else. I liked wandering the back streets to avoid the tourists and it was such a nice feeling to know where you're going even though you're in a foreign country and you're alone and all the signs are in a different language. I felt very independent in Alicante.

Best bit about my year abroad was probably the pals I made and also the ones I already had because aw cheesy bleeeeeh vomit everywhere because I'm about to get soppy on you. The support and love I got from friends and family back home was unreal and yes I went back home to England more times than is probably recommended but when I have lovely people to visit it is warranted. However it was las chicas alicantinas who got me through the day to day, particularly in second semester when we just giggled through classes instead of taking anything seriously. Biggest mention goes to my pal Torrie though. This chica from Northern Ireland is now one of my bestest pals ever and we still text on the daily as if we only live a tram ride away (instead of a plane ride) and I am v excited to book a trip to Belfast to see her. Toz, I love ya gal. The sea of separation feels monstrous today. 

I feel like I should write more about it because it was like an entire year of my life but it's over now and it feels like it happened ages ago or not at all and it's really weird because I miss it but also kind of don't because it was so hard and I missed home too much. To tell you the truth I don't really remember those last few weeks very much.

And here is where this post changes from a year abroad post to a deeply personal and different one and something I've debated back and forth about documenting but yolo it's all over twitter anyway so why not. Long story short, I've struggled with my mental health since I was about 15 but the last few months of my erasmus year it was really really bad, just feelings of sadness and emptiness and intense anxiety and so I booked an appointment when I got home to Cramlington and I was diagnosed with moderate-severe depression and prescribed antidepressants. And it feels so weird to write that. I still kind of don't want to publish that. But then I have to because it's not a bad thing and I don't have to hide it and I'm okay and am getting better.

I don't think I'm quite ready to blog extensively about all of this because I'm still processing it because I mean it's like six years that I went through phases of feeling very very down and I always knew that it was more than just being a sad person like I always knew I was actually struggling with an illness but was never brave enough to go to a doctor so I guess I just wanted to write this to let people know it's okay to go the doctors if you think you need some help and there are lots of options. Like if medication isn't something you want to do, that's okay but on the flip side if you do decide to use them then you're not weak or less of a person for turning to it for help because you wouldn't shame someone for wearing glasses for not being able to see so why would you shame someone taking antidepressants if it makes them feel better? I don't know. 

Also quick note to anyone who might be about to start a year abroad that maybe feels like they struggle with mental health but haven't spoken to anyone about it, please do before you go away. Being on my year abroad exacerbated a lot of my issues and made them worse so yeah maybe start trying to sort that out before flying out to a different country where it's hard to do easy things like buy crisps that actually taste nice. I wish I had done it before I went out to Spain because my medication just makes it easier to get through a day and to actually want to leave the house so yeah please look into that. Also anyone else who might be struggling, you should talk about it too. We'll all be okay.

It's weird writing this out because it's all been inside my head for so long and like yes I do talk about it in certain circles of the internet but this blog tends to encompass all of my circles and it's strange to write about such a massive chunk of my life but then it's the perfect time. My year abroad is finished and that chapter is closing but now hopefully so is the part of my life where I was just sad a lot of the time and yeah cool okay don't wanna talk about that anymore so yeah no I'm gonna leave it here and errrrrm thanks for reading my blog this year and for helping me not descend into madness whilst I was miles and miles from home.

Please enjoy some photos from my year

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Hasta luego???