THERAPY

Therapy isn't easy. 


Nobody says it is, or expects it to be, but it's true. It's not easy.
But it gets easier.

I guess I should go back to the beginning. Since the start of 2018 I've been struggling with my mental health and decided it was finally time I took advantage of the fact I go to a very well funded university with excellent counselling services. I can attest to how good they've been, with me at least. I had an appointment within a week, after completing a short questionnaire about my current state and why I felt I needed counselling. I've been really lucky to be paired with a therapist I trust and have felt honest and open with from the moment we met. 

I'm not really sure what I expected therapy to be before I went in the room. I knew there probably wouldn't be a chaise longue or that it wouldn't take place somewhere dark and scary. It's pretty chill though, in all honesty. I sit in the same chair each week and do most of the talking and I'm finding it really helpful.

It's strange because I always used blogging as a form of therapy so I'm kind of used to getting my words out. The difference in therapy is that Pauline (my lovely lovely counsellor) stops and asks me questions and I can now tell when something is difficult for me because I struggle to articulate and my body language is so telling. Like more so than I even thought. I physically close myself in when I'm scared or feel trapped, I cross my arms and legs when I'm confused or don't know what to say. I break eye contact when I'm trying not to think about something difficult. My voice gets lighter and my gestures get bigger when I'm talking about something that makes me happy. It's strange how aware I actually am.

I don't think I want to publish online what we discuss in our sessions. It's still all very new and raw for me and we've touched on some very deep topics in the only 3 times I've seen Pauline. I mean, I was crying within twenty minutes of meeting her. Fun fact, I made her cry too. You know your life is a bit ridiculous when you can make your counsellor cry. Actually, in our session this week she said in her 15 years of therapy she's never had anyone quite like me. Which actually makes me kind of proud because I am a v unique gal but also a bit scared cos like, counsellors see many many people and I must be a proper nutter because sometimes she can't think of anything at all to say. She also said that often she has to consciously choose between talking to me like a friend and like a therapist, I think because we're both northern working class in the craziness of posh that is Durham University.

Therapy isn't easy. We talk about difficult things and difficult feelings and sometimes I don't want to but walking out of there I always feel a little bit lighter. But I also need to take time to process everything that comes out during sessions. Some of the things I've said in that room are things I've never said out loud, or thought about in years. And I know myself enough to give myself time and the patience I need. 

I'm not sure how to end this post other than to say I think therapy is great and everyone should try it at least once, even if you don't struggle massively with your mental health. However mental health stuff is severely underfunded so pls don't take up valuable time away from us crazies. 

Until next time I guess. I do want to blog more but I am busy busy busy.

Lots of love

KB